


Touch Me So I Think I'm Here

by jb_slasher



Series: Touch Me So I Think I'm Here [1]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Blood, Cutting, Declarations Of Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Stealing Lyrics From Our Lady Peace, Team Finland
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-08-04
Updated: 2005-03-20
Packaged: 2017-11-10 05:37:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/462769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jb_slasher/pseuds/jb_slasher
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Tuukka is broken. Niko is there to fix him. Maybe it does get better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: contains person with a bleeding wound (Chapter 1) and a scene of a person cutting (Chapter 2).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: chapter contains a person with a bleeding wound.

He's sobbing his young, innocent heart out to you but at first you have no idea what you should do. At first you don't even know what has happened but whatever it is, you're there to help.

He's sitting on the floor... no, not really sitting, he's leaning on the table, crying. Tears streaming down his beautiful features, the stifled moaning indicating that it's not nothing like he says. Someone did this to him. You take a second look, and you know what this is, exactly what this is. Even if you've only gotten your heart broken only once.

But even just once is once too many. You wish you'd gotten love right on the first time, but you didn't, and afterward, you haven't felt true for years. And now you're comforting this poor soul, because you know what he's feeling and that horrible feeling that you know so well after having dealt with it for three years, on and off. And now, when the memory of it returns once again, it breaks your heart.

He's shivering like he's cold, shaking like you're watching a still earthquake. And you don't even know how he got in here but now isn't really the time to ask. He doesn't speak, and neither do you. You don't need words from him, not like he needs words from you. It's okay, you say even when you know it's nowhere near that simple nor that fine. You know it never is, but still you speak the words and when he says nothing, just looks at you with pleading eyes - "help me, get rid of this pain for me... please" - it doesn't matter if it was a guy or a girl, he needs comfort and hell, if you're gonna deny that from him.

You take a few steps, you notice the broken glass and the blood and you hadn't noticed that cut on his palm, even when he's been clutching it with his other hand this whole time. It's not self-inflicted in the way that first comes to mind - just an accident - and he probably just heard. You did the same thing yourself right afterward and now you remember yourself, clutching a similar wound, in the corner of your room, sobbing, shaking, trying to hide from the world, dealing with your pain somewhere where you felt... safe.

But there's a huge difference in your picture: you're alone in that memory and now you feel like you've stepped into someone else's mind, someone else's memory but still you don't feel unwelcome. Because you're needed here. He doesn't protest when you approach and kneel beside him, minding the glass. And you take his hand in your own, examine the wound like you're a doctor - the doctor you would've wanted to be if hockey hadn't been your life - and you try to make him feel a bit less morbid by telling him it's not too bad, not that deep - like you even know - and you smile. It's not a bright all white teeth-smile, just barely noticeable, and if someone was standing further than two feet away, they'd miss it. It's not that bad, you say, and still it's bleeding and he's still shaking but he's not gasping for breath anymore and you take that as a good sign. You remember you couldn't catch your breath for days.

But then again, there was no one there for you and, for some reason, knowing that someone's going to be there for him - even if it is yourself - makes you feel better because if there ever was a poor soul who never should have gone through with it, he should have been that soul. And in some odd way, you're pissed at yourself because he's hurt. You never made a promise to anyone that you'd protect him, but still you feel like you've betrayed him. And now, it's your duty to make it all better, and you're willing to do that, willing to mend him, comfort him... and you find yourself thinking you'd even be willing to love him if that helped, and it wouldn't be out of pity either. You'd give yourself to him if he'd ask it, or even if he didn't. He wouldn't have to ask for your soul because he already has a part of it.

And you don't care if you sound like his mother or something because the meaning is all that matters, no matter the ways. So you hear yourself say, "you poor little thing," and you draw him into your arms, pull him into an embrace and he's not tense at all. He's too tired to be tense around you because he wouldn't be here if he was looking for someone to make him feel tense. No. He's here because he feels safe here and since it's your room and he hasn't been here by himself, you're lead to consider that he might feel safe with you and that's why he's here: he's seeking comfort from you and why he chose you, you're not sure because you don't know him that well - maybe it's easier, revealing a part of yourself to a stranger rather than a friend - but it's okay because your arms are holding him and he's practically sitting in your lap and if he wasn't in this situation, you'd probably kiss him to make it all disappear.

But you can't comfort him by offering yourself as a rebound buddy, not even if he were gay, no. Because if you're ever going to be alone with him under those kind of circumstances, you're definitely not going to be the consolation prize if you can be first prize, golden trophy, Stanley Cup, whatever it is he'd crave for. And besides, you probably will never be in those kind of circumstances with him - or maybe he came to you because he has a crush on you and he's really using the break up just as an excuse to get to you though that really wouldn't have been necessary - so you stop taking that thought any further.

And he's not crying anymore, his breathing's more even than you ever remember hearing - and when did you start stalking him and his breathing? - and your shirt's bloody because he's clutching it with his bad hand and you don't care because this is what he needs: comfort, safety... love. But your love is the wrong kind and you try suppressing it, disguise it as the love for a friend, but there's not much to disguise since he's too busy trying to feel better and you're glad you're helping at least a bit and he won't notice because you're just there for him and he's so tired from all the crying - hours of it, you think - that he'll probably fall asleep just from the thought of it. And you're not sure how long he was here before you got home but it's getting entirely too late and it can only do good for him to get some sleep.

And so you whisper that he can sleep in your bed, that you'll be around if he needs something and it's like you're trying to break him of a habit, like he's a junkie or something. But you're glad he isn't and you're just going to take care of him. But he's not moving at all nor is he saying anything, but still you don't think he's sleeping. But you don't really care about that and it's okay for you to carry this emotionally exhausted boy into your bed. And you do and there's nothing wrong with that and you lower him on the bed - his eyes are still open but he's not looking at you - and when you turn to leave, there's still nothing wrong with this when you hear him whispering so quiet you're not even sure if you were supposed to hear it or not, but you do as he asks because he needs mending.

You turn back, you settle in next to him and at first he's not sure of what he's doing but after a moment he sighs and settles into your space and you wrap your arm around him - you're holding him just like he asked you to - and you know it's just wishful thinking but it's like you feel this slight touch on your side - a shaking hand would feel like that, you suppose - and when you check, his hand is touching you... or the hem of your shirt actually but that's a minor detail. And you don't know what impulse tells you to do it, but you take his hand - you feel a tiny flinch from his part - and guide it to touch your skin. And when he touches you, it doesn't necessarily mean anything, just that he needs it. And it's wrong to get your hopes up even if he moves his hand to rest on your stomach and when it seems like he's going to leave it there, your hand seeks his and takes it in its grasp and you know he's not asleep yet but he's not moving away either so it's okay in every possible way, you suppose, and you'll be here when he sleeps, wakes up, maybe even hours after that and you think you want to stay like this forever, and maybe he wants it too, but you don't know that - don't think it's too probable in these circumstances - and so now just spending the night like this is fine by you.

In other circumstances you would tell him you want to stay like this forever and might even expect him to agree with you, and there's at least one thing in common with this moment and those other circumstances you keep thinking about: you don't want to let go of his hand. So you don't, and he falls asleep before you do, clutching your hand with his bad one.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter contains cutting.

And it's like a waking dream. All the voices are too much and maybe the walls really are closing in on him after all, and there's no way he can get away fast enough. It's all too much and he can't get to his room fast enough but at least he's on his way and where the hell are his meds? Of course, how the hell could he forget his goddamn meds?

He always carries his knife with him, and the knowledge of it relieves him a bit. He substitutes his meds with his knife, though not often. But when he does, he's reminded of a song he's heard more than once in the last couple of days, and not just in his head. And he also forgot that for the last couple of days he hasn't been residing in his own room and that this is Niko's room and Niko has the key that's turning in the lock and he remembered to tell Niko he was a cutter, right?

The first thing Niko fixes his eyes on is Tuukka's bleeding arm and the first thing he hears is Tuukka whispering - rather than singing - "I'm bleeding by myself, and I'm okay." And at first Niko freezes at the door, his expression radiating fear above all things, and when Tuukka whispers again - "it's okay" - he seems to come back to his senses. First he turns to go back into the hallway, then just steps inside and merely closes the door, but instead of turning to Tuukka, he presses his forehead against the door.

So he forgot to tell Niko but that's okay. They've only been sleeping in the same bed for four nights - including the night he broke in, and he wasn't even using the fact that Teemu broke up with him as a real excuse, his heart really was broken, needed fixing, but doesn't anymore because Niko offered him comfort but their relationship isn't that simple anymore because they're both drawn to each other and they both know it - so he doesn't expect Niko to understand what he does from time to time and maybe it'd be easier to give cutting up now that Niko knows unless Niko throws him out first but what Niko does is nowhere near that - not yet at least - since somehow Niko came to sit on the floor, leaning on the door and-

"So this is what it feels like."

Tuukka has no idea what he's talking about and that verse keeps playing in his head over and over - "I'm bleeding by myself" - but he's not sure what's going through Niko's head and he feels like cutting again but instead throws Niko a questioning look. Niko is staring at Tuukka's self-inflicted cut - as opposed to the other one on Tuukka's hand that wasn't self-inflicted in the way that first comes to mind, as it is now. Tuukka blinks and Niko was the one who played this song to him in the first place - a long time ago, and not really to him, but to a whole bunch of guys - so he should know it by now.

"I'm okay," he whispers the lyrics, "I'm bleeding by myself, and I'm-" He's repeated it enough times already. "But you don't know how I feel," Niko answers to him. It's still the same song, that much Tuukka knows, but otherwise he's at a loss, doesn't know what Niko means. "This is what _what_ feels like?" he asks. Niko is still staring at Tuukka's cut. "Seeing someone you-" He stops, and Tuukka decides to put aside the possibilities of how that sentence could continue, lets Niko correct himself, so to speak, "Seeing someone close to you cut themselves. I didn't know you do that."

"I know." And there are grins and awkward laughter and Tuukka feels guilty, but Niko's voice is surprised rather than judging, and then he's lifting his sleeve and Tuukka takes in the sight of multiple scars - and they've been on Niko's arm far longer than he's been residing in Niko's bed - and somehow he feels like he broke some unspoken deal concerning cutting and Niko's room - he shouldn't do this because Niko hasn't - and suddenly the distance between him and Niko is too much and the insane guilt is too much and he must look really helpless and lost since Niko is shrugging his sleeve back down and crawling to him and then he's in Tuukka's space, slowly taking the knife from him, dropping it to the floor, and he takes Tuukka's hand and examines the cut - just like he examined Tuukka's other cut what feels like an eternity ago - and then he lifts his gaze to meet Tuukka's.

"You're not bleeding by yourself. Not when you're with me," he says and Tuukka has no other choice but to stare into his eyes. Niko's eyes have captured him and for some reason Tuukka is clinging to the word "when": Niko said "when", not "if".

"The whole time I've been with you... These past few days... The days were torture, but the nights... I didn't fall asleep until I knew you were asleep and just holding you... I was content like I never was before. No matter what happened during the day, I knew everything was worth it because I'd get to hold you again for the night. And I have to warn you that if holding you makes me feel so strongly about you, I can't even imagine what I'll feel when I make love to you."

Tuukka has totally forgotten about Teemu and what he wants is for Niko to kiss him and make it all go away. Make the blood disappear, make him hate the release that cutting usually gives him, wants Niko to give him the release, because Niko knows what he needs. And Niko clasps their hands, watches their entangled fingers and smiles at the sight. Tuukka suddenly feels like he should say something but the only thing on his mind is that Niko must kiss him now or he'll go insane.

"Kiss me."

Because he's never been the one with initiative when it comes to this, and he doesn't have to tell Niko twice. It's their first kiss and it's not perfect but that doesn't matter because they're lost in each other and that's really what they both have wanted since that first night and they probably have more in common than they yet realize and it might have been stupid to hold back - even at night when they were alone - but it doesn't matter. They're both content with this and they're not in a hurry and this will probably end in Niko holding Tuukka again, but they're not holding back and that's what matters: that they can touch each other.


	3. Chapter 3

And this is something he's wanted since forever and it's always been another one of his dreams and now that he thinks about it, it's kind of sick that it's actually happening. It was just a wet dream not that many years ago and now he's actually making love to Niko Kapanen - Niko fucking Kapanen - and who told you never to believe in your dreams.

It's like time's stopped and still they're moving, grinding against each other, and then Niko's inside Tuukka and oh god, he's never felt so complete in his life and then Niko's pulling back and Tuukka feels empty and then he gasps as if he were surprised that it actually happens again - and somewhere inside he is - and he's going crazy from all the feelings and Niko's fingers are cold against his hips and he shivers - only partly from the cold - and Niko lets out a low moan.

They find a rhythm - not so fast, but still entirely too slow - and Tuukka thinks he's going to burst. They come simultaneously and Niko collapses on top of Tuukka. Tuukka breathes in their combined smell and kisses Niko's forehead.

"I love you."

And the words have never come out so naturally. Niko lifts his head to look into Tuukka's eyes and smiles.

"I love you."

Niko leans in to kiss Tuukka, and during their kiss Tuukka rolls them over so Niko can hold him again. And in the morning he'll ask just how strongly Niko feels about him, and he readies himself for the same question, sure that it will come up some day, and he wants to be ready when that day comes.


	4. Chapter 4

You wake up in the morning to the sound of water running. It's not unusual, you wake up like this almost every morning but it's never felt different before like it seriously does now, even when you know that it's just Niko. Or especially because it's Niko.

You noticed something last night. That something was the way Niko stretched after the... you're not sure what you should call it though you know exactly what you'd want to call it. You love to watch Niko stretch; his legs, his arms, his back. For some reason, your favorite aspect of Niko's body is his spine.

You open your eyes just in time to see Niko exit the bathroom with only a towel wrapped around his waist. And since Niko has that certain glint in his eyes that's been there only once before - last night - you know it's up to you what happens next. You grin at him, rise from the bed - and you're not that embarrassed anymore to be naked in front of him - and cross the short distance.

He looks into your eyes first, then his gaze wanders lower, and you pull gently at his towel - pull and pull until it drops - and you stifle a laugh when he blushes, and you never could have imagined anything so cute - and you hardly ever use the word 'cute', maybe what you meant was 'hot' - since you never even expected to see this guy blush. But you won't laugh, just smile - even if a bit deviously - and wrap your arms around his waist, pull him against you, grind against him and, finally, kiss him. He's surprised, like you'd done it all in the wrong order, but he really, really doesn't mind. He's hard and that's how you want him right now.

You guide him to the bed, push him to sit on it and climb on top of him, forcing him to lie down. You grasp his cock and kiss him, and when he gasps for breath, you kiss him again, tightening your grip slightly, setting a slow pace that you gradually speed up. And when he gasps for air again to say something, you slow down and let him say it and you're glad you do, because his hoarse voice carries out the words: "I want to... to feel you... inside me."

You find a comfortable position for the both of you and enter him, slowly. You know it hurts because you've been in his place as well, and this time there's no lube, you know he might bleed afterward or right at this minute, and you're impressed that he's being so brave about it and then you look into his eyes. You realize he's not exactly thinking about the pain. You watch his face: it's ecstasy you see, not pain, and you make a mental note to watch his face more often when the two of you have sex.

You increase the pace and soon you both come. And when you can finally think straight, you're surprised. You were inside him. You start thinking to yourself how you two are not a stereotypical couple, the bitch and the butch. You don't like that thought, nor the word 'couple'. You've always figured 'couple' was the word for a boy and a girl, like when grandmothers watch their granddaughters with their boyfriends and say "Aren't they a wonderful couple?", that sort of thing.

You shake your head slightly, and Niko smiles.

"What? No more, no more?"

Lovers, that's what you two are, lovers. You turn to face him and smile faintly.

"No. Yes, more... but later."

And you know you're not making much sense, but it doesn't matter because Niko draws you into his arms and you fall asleep, loving the warmth radiating from Niko and the scent you two have created.


End file.
